Dicksonisms

A few years ago, I worked with one of the most interesting managers I've ever encountered. If you ever get a chance to meet him, you'll know immediately what I mean by "interesting." Anyway, after I posted my rants, he made a few rants of his own. I found them incredible hilarious! So, as he sends them to me, I will post them here. Enjoy.

31 July -Dear black men, if you're going to the club and know you're going to sweat your ass off, bring a towel. If you forget said towel and want to use bev naps, that is cool but do not take ALL of the bev naps. 3 or 4 will do.

3 August - Old white men, you can not describe things by referring to them as "the bomb". You ARE old and you are NOT cool now nor were you ever.

7 August - 40 Year old bimbo still trying to bar tend at a club, let it go. You were hot 20 years ago, do-able 10 years ago and almost mildly attractive 5 years ago. Now you are just sad. The club can't get dark enough to make you look good and your kids are you best regulars. Get a job opening PBRs at a VFW or hotel bar were men older than you will appreciate and drool over you. Of course they drool all the time but don't let that get you down.

11 August - White people, if you need a rope ladder or a B.A.S.E rig to get out of our vehicle, STOP. You're tires and lift kit are big enough.

If you park your $70,000 vehicle under the awning of your single wide trailer, it is time to reevaluate your priorities.

13 August- Every dorky white boy named Johnny. You are not on Entourage, you are not in an entourage, you don't have an entourage, you don't even know what an entourage is. Stop introducing yourself as Drama.

Dear trailer dwelling, meth cooking, big truck driving, nazi-ass, sister raping, red neck, asshole. Not every white man who shaves his head shares your opinions.

30 September - Dear skanks, If the 1st photo album on you social networking site is titled "the joys of my life" or any variation thereof and is filled with pictures of your children then you MUST take down the album titled "chill-axing wit da krew" where you are wearing next to nothing in almost every picture. Be a good mother or be a good skank. You can't be both.

14 October -
Dear fat girls,

Yes, I see that you have HUGE boobs. It makes sense. EVERYTHING on you is huge. If you didn't have huge boobs that we be a double slap in the face and I would have to assume that you lost a bet with god in your previous life. Here is the thing, your huge boobs are gross. No one wants to see them. Put on a shirt that isn't 6 sizes too small and cover those pale, veiny things up.

Thank you for your help in making the world a more beautiful place by covering up.

I have to go vomit now.

If I see one more blood orange, cranberry, or uber-beige white girl cross my path, I'm going to take my shoe off and beat her to death!!!

Dear older women, please stop wearing your granddaughters' outfit! Ancient implants, liver spots and varicose veins are NOT cute. Shoe!!!

Dear white women wearing halter tops, tan lines are NOT cute. That is all.

Dear black women, If I can tell you have a weave from a distance, You've done something wrong. Rethink that hot mess. That is all.

Dear grouchy old ppl, you've live a long life. Cheer the-hell up! If you don't want to be here, feel free to stop draining Social Security.

Dear heroin junkies that like to get their "lean" on, keep doing what you're doing. You provide endless fodder for those of us not hook on drugs. You're also used to teach our kids valuable lessons! Keep up the good work.

Dear college aged female who dress up to go to class, I'm all for looking your best in all situations, but hooker heels? Really?!?

Dear older blk ppl, the jheri curl is no longer acceptable. It is because of you that we have an oil shortage and gas prices are so high!!!

Dear ppl who honk or wave from a car as they see me walking down the street in the same direction as you and then keep on going, F@&! YOU!!!

Two "leaning" heroin addicts are fighting. Who wins??? The crackhead that just pushed them both over and robbed them!!! I love this city!!!

The Ones That Started It All

Dear white girl across from me in the hot pink shoes that don't match your outfit, Please stop staring. I WILL turn ethnic if you continue.

Dear white ppl, The object I hold in my hands is called a book. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT kryptonite to black ppl. That is all.

Dear Illegal Immigrants who own businesses and want to treat ppl like dirt and pretend not to know English, I have the INS on speed dial.

Dear Black ppl who think they're special and are still waiting for their O.J. prize in the mail, Guess what? It's NOT coming!!!

Dear Fellow Fat ppl, just b/c you wore that outfit last year, doesn't mean you can wear it now. Please re-measure and adjust. That is all.

Dear Dark-skinned ppl, just b/c you're dark doesn't mean you don't need sun tan lotion. That mysterious rash is sunburn stupid! That is all.

Dear Black ppl who live in Urban areas, The dentist is your FRIEND! If you cannot afford one, there are programs that can help. That is all.

Dear old white ppl who are veterans, Thank you for your service. Now STOP referring to black ppl as colored and we'll all get along fine.


Dear women who enjoy wearing open toed shoes,

::breathes:: Where do I begin?

A) Please make sure your toe game is correct before exposing them to the world. Eagle talons are not cute in a slingback heels no matter who designed them.

B) Just because you wore a size 7 last year, doesn't mean you still can wear a size 7 this year. Please re-measure and adjust. Also do not forget that shoes come in different WIDTHS also!!!

C) Just because your daughter, niece, young person across the way looks cute in a pair of shoes means your 20 or 30 or even 40 year-old behind should purchase a similar pair. You wouldn't wear their outfit branding Spongebob, would you? Leave their shoes alone!

D) If you purchase your CORRECT size (see above) and your toes stick out over the top or pour over the sides of the shoes, DO NOT WEAR THEM!!!!

E) The Gladiator look is not for everyone. Proceed with caution.

That is all.

OMFG!!!!!!! BLACK PPL LISTEN UP!!!!! The word is SPECIFIC!!! PACIFIC is a DAMN OCEAN!!!!! SPE-CI-FIC!!! GET IT RIGHT!!!!

That Is All