Monday, February 21, 2011

Ask A Black Guy

Everybody has questions they want to ask their black friends, but most are too scared or don't want to offend. I have no problem answering those questions. If you have any of your own, feel free to send them to me in a response. I would like to make this a regular feature of my blog.

::DISCLAIMER:: The comments below are MY opinions. This is purely for my entertainment purposes only. I am not an expert. I am a man with a blog. Please don't go to your black friends and try to spout my responses as facts.

Why don't black people swim?

Well, like most people (regardless of color) who don't swim, there's usually an unhealthy fear of large amounts of water. For your black friends that grew up in an inner city, there are very few pools, therefore there's less of a chance for them to get used to swimming. For your black friends that grew up in a suburb, if they don't know how to swim, usually their parents never learned how to swim b/c they grew up in an inner city, and therefore have environmentally passed their fear on to their children.

The bigger answer, there was this big thing called slavery about 400 years ago. Africans were put on a boat and sailed halfway around the world to a strange land. Spending weeks seeing people die and tortured while surrounded by an endless body of water, kind of sticks with a person, and their children, and their children's children, and so on and so forth...

Why do black guys like the big onion booty?

4 words… The bounce back action

Why aren't black people in horror movies?

We are in plenty of horror films, but we always die. Usually first, but we never make it to the end.

Why can't a black person ever be the sole survivor in a horror movie?

If a black person were the main character in a horror film, it would be about 5 minutes long. We don't have that investigative gene in our body that ultimately leads to the death of our white counterparts.

White people enter the woods at night. (Another genetic anomaly)
They hear a noise (woman screaming, whispering voice calling someone's name. etc)
They decide to investigate from where the noise originates.
They split the group up to cover more ground.
They get murdered one by one.

From this you can easily write a 1.5-2 hour screenplay based on these circumstances. This is how it would go down with your black friends:

Black people enter the woods. (Not really, but for the sake of argument, let’s go with it. (WTF are we doing in the woods in the first place?))
They hear a noise (woman screaming, whispering voice calling someone's name. etc)
They leave the woods. (IF you’re lucky, someone might call 911 and leave a message).
The End

From this, you maybe have a half hour of material.

Why do black people like grape drink?

It’s cheap, full of sugar, and can be found at ANY of your convenient corner stores. You drink it. Mama’nem drink it. Big Mama’nem drink it. Your play cousins drink it. It’s a something you grow up with therefore you get used to ingesting it. Just make sure you leave more than just a swallow left in the container when you put it back in the fridge.

Why do black people drink Kool-aid?

On the same page as grape drink, it’s full of sugar and it’s cheap. Let’s be honest, without sugar, Kool-aid is basically food coloring. Due to its affordability and accessibility, Kool-aid is everywhere you want it to be.

Why do black people eat fried chicken?

IT TASTES DELICIOUS!!! However, to elaborate on this topic, our love for chicken is generationally passed down from our ancestors. As slaves we were kept on plantations often times directly with or next to the barn animals. While we became culinary masters of all things barnyard, chickens were generally the most plentiful. Also, chickens have many edible parts, making them very economical.

Why do black people smoke Newports?

The brand itself is popular among black people because when they first came out, they were one of cheapest brands. In reality, the addiction is actually to menthol cigarettes. The menthol is preferred because it doesn’t cause excessive dry mouth like it’s non-menthol counterparts.