Everybody has questions they want to ask their black friends, but most are too scared or don't want to offend. I have no problem answering those questions. If you have any of your own, feel free to send them to me in a response. I would like to make this a regular feature of my blog.
::DISCLAIMER:: The comments below are MY opinions. This is purely for my entertainment purposes only. I am not an expert. I am a man with a blog. Please don't go to your black friends and try to spout my responses as facts.
Why don't black people swim?
Well, like most people (regardless of color) who don't swim, there's usually an unhealthy fear of large amounts of water. For your black friends that grew up in an inner city, there are very few pools, therefore there's less of a chance for them to get used to swimming. For your black friends that grew up in a suburb, if they don't know how to swim, usually their parents never learned how to swim b/c they grew up in an inner city, and therefore have environmentally passed their fear on to their children.
The bigger answer, there was this big thing called slavery about 400 years ago. Africans were put on a boat and sailed halfway around the world to a strange land. Spending weeks seeing people die and tortured while surrounded by an endless body of water, kind of sticks with a person, and their children, and their children's children, and so on and so forth...
Why do black guys like the big onion booty?
4 words… The bounce back action
Why aren't black people in horror movies?
We are in plenty of horror films, but we always die. Usually first, but we never make it to the end.
Why can't a black person ever be the sole survivor in a horror movie?
If a black person were the main character in a horror film, it would be about 5 minutes long. We don't have that investigative gene in our body that ultimately leads to the death of our white counterparts.
Example:
White people enter the woods at night. (Another genetic anomaly)
They hear a noise (woman screaming, whispering voice calling someone's name. etc)
They decide to investigate from where the noise originates.
They split the group up to cover more ground.
They get murdered one by one.
From this you can easily write a 1.5-2 hour screenplay based on these circumstances. This is how it would go down with your black friends:
Example:
Black people enter the woods. (Not really, but for the sake of argument, let’s go with it. (WTF are we doing in the woods in the first place?))
They hear a noise (woman screaming, whispering voice calling someone's name. etc)
They leave the woods. (IF you’re lucky, someone might call 911 and leave a message).
The End
From this, you maybe have a half hour of material.
Why do black people like grape drink?
It’s cheap, full of sugar, and can be found at ANY of your convenient corner stores. You drink it. Mama’nem drink it. Big Mama’nem drink it. Your play cousins drink it. It’s a something you grow up with therefore you get used to ingesting it. Just make sure you leave more than just a swallow left in the container when you put it back in the fridge.
Why do black people drink Kool-aid?
On the same page as grape drink, it’s full of sugar and it’s cheap. Let’s be honest, without sugar, Kool-aid is basically food coloring. Due to its affordability and accessibility, Kool-aid is everywhere you want it to be.
Why do black people eat fried chicken?
IT TASTES DELICIOUS!!! However, to elaborate on this topic, our love for chicken is generationally passed down from our ancestors. As slaves we were kept on plantations often times directly with or next to the barn animals. While we became culinary masters of all things barnyard, chickens were generally the most plentiful. Also, chickens have many edible parts, making them very economical.
Why do black people smoke Newports?
The brand itself is popular among black people because when they first came out, they were one of cheapest brands. In reality, the addiction is actually to menthol cigarettes. The menthol is preferred because it doesn’t cause excessive dry mouth like it’s non-menthol counterparts.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, November 1, 2010
A Halloween Costume Review
NOTE: This is a not a rag on the kids themselves. I totally blame the parents for these errors.
We've all seen this costume before:
Not a big deal really. It's the old prison uniforms. Not the best idea for a costume, but whatever. Imagine my shock and surprise when I saw your everyday school sponsored Halloween parade around the neighborhood with AT LEAST 15 little black kids in these:
SO WRONG!!!
What's worst? Someone at THE SCHOOL had the bright idea to use the cuff to chain them all together. They looked like a mini chain gang. It was funny and so wrong all at the same time.
Parents, I'm sure you thought the outfits were cute and/or funny, but did you ever think for a second, "Why would I want my kid to look like an escaped convict?" Sure, the same can be said for dressing your child up like any manner of the undead, but to my knowledge, those are fictional characters. In this instance, you've actually dressed your kids in something real. Something real and negative to be more specific. Just because Cousin Pookie and Uncle Nuk-nuk have been in prison longer than your child has been alive, does not make it okay for you to parade them around in an outfit like that. Futhermore, to the "Adult" that thought it was funny to chain them together. There's a special place in Hell reserved for you. I hope you get there sooner than later.
That is all.
We've all seen this costume before:
Not a big deal really. It's the old prison uniforms. Not the best idea for a costume, but whatever. Imagine my shock and surprise when I saw your everyday school sponsored Halloween parade around the neighborhood with AT LEAST 15 little black kids in these:
SO WRONG!!!
What's worst? Someone at THE SCHOOL had the bright idea to use the cuff to chain them all together. They looked like a mini chain gang. It was funny and so wrong all at the same time.
Parents, I'm sure you thought the outfits were cute and/or funny, but did you ever think for a second, "Why would I want my kid to look like an escaped convict?" Sure, the same can be said for dressing your child up like any manner of the undead, but to my knowledge, those are fictional characters. In this instance, you've actually dressed your kids in something real. Something real and negative to be more specific. Just because Cousin Pookie and Uncle Nuk-nuk have been in prison longer than your child has been alive, does not make it okay for you to parade them around in an outfit like that. Futhermore, to the "Adult" that thought it was funny to chain them together. There's a special place in Hell reserved for you. I hope you get there sooner than later.
That is all.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Dating Application
Hey folks! I know it's been a while since my last update. Things have been a little hectic lately, but I am back and ready to blog!!!
Today's Subject - Dating.
It's a mysterious subject, no matter who you ask, but for me it really is a true mystery. Don't get me wrong, I've been in relationships, but I can honestly say that there has not been a lot of dating in my life. A simple analysis of Kimani's lifestyle will tell you that I'm not the kind of guy that goes to a bar with the sole intent of meeting women. Were I to meet a woman while at the bar, I don't use pick up lines to make small talk, I just speak. Game, you say? I HAVE NO GAME. I'm man enough to admit this online.
Anyway! All of this is background to the fact that I have decided to start ACTIVELY dating. I plan to make dates (and keep them), meet new women outside of my comfort zone, and even get set up on a blind date or two (This will be a limited occurrence).
For years, some friends of mine have joked about an application process when dating people. It turns out, some people aren't joking. I found this dating application online. It was created by the infamous (or notorious) Tucker Max. You can read about him on your own, but the important thing to remember is that this was an actual application he posted for women to use.
I've decided to do something similar in that, I will post HIS EXACT application for about a week or so. After that, I plan to create a similar application that is more geared toward what I'm actually looking for in a dating partner. If you choose to fill either out, please let me know if you're serious or if you're just having fun. Once I change over to my actual application, I will take all submissions seriously. This should interesting one way or the other. Please tell your friends. That is all.
The Tucker Max Dating Application
Today's Subject - Dating.
It's a mysterious subject, no matter who you ask, but for me it really is a true mystery. Don't get me wrong, I've been in relationships, but I can honestly say that there has not been a lot of dating in my life. A simple analysis of Kimani's lifestyle will tell you that I'm not the kind of guy that goes to a bar with the sole intent of meeting women. Were I to meet a woman while at the bar, I don't use pick up lines to make small talk, I just speak. Game, you say? I HAVE NO GAME. I'm man enough to admit this online.
Anyway! All of this is background to the fact that I have decided to start ACTIVELY dating. I plan to make dates (and keep them), meet new women outside of my comfort zone, and even get set up on a blind date or two (This will be a limited occurrence).
For years, some friends of mine have joked about an application process when dating people. It turns out, some people aren't joking. I found this dating application online. It was created by the infamous (or notorious) Tucker Max. You can read about him on your own, but the important thing to remember is that this was an actual application he posted for women to use.
I've decided to do something similar in that, I will post HIS EXACT application for about a week or so. After that, I plan to create a similar application that is more geared toward what I'm actually looking for in a dating partner. If you choose to fill either out, please let me know if you're serious or if you're just having fun. Once I change over to my actual application, I will take all submissions seriously. This should interesting one way or the other. Please tell your friends. That is all.
The Tucker Max Dating Application
Monday, May 24, 2010
Vacation
Today I start my vacation.
Many of you that know me have an understanding of how significant this word is to me. Vacation. A break from work. A time to "recharge my batteries" (btw, I loathe that expression!). Time to let loose and fly. Get jiggy with it. Rock out with my cock out. Hang out with my wank out. And so on, and so on...
Sure, I've taken the occasional weekend trip here and there. The Carolinas, Georgia, even Florida. This is very different though. This is an actually planned out time away from all of the major stresses in my life. ALL OF THEM. With that being said, I will most likely be away from the Internet for most of my trip. I'm making conscious effort to stay off of Facebook and Twitter. I will also refrain from texting individuals if at all possible. I really just want to relax.
I will make an effort to post a small blog about my day just to keep folks updated about my shenanigans! So, on your mark, get set, VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Anger much?
People wonder why I'm always angry???
Well let's start with this morning. I get off the train and see this young lady and proceed to pay her a compliment that she had piercingly beautiful eyes. She then proceeds to look like I was about to rape her and runs off in the wrong direction. (She was going to the train station.) She's lucky I didn't go "Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man" and take her eye out with a pen!
Next, I'm standing on the sidewalk waiting to cross the street. This chick (different one), comes from behind me and bumps into me. She comes next to me (still waiting to cross the street) and gives me this look like I was in her way. I tilt my head a little, not to be suggestive, and she give me this dirty look and the scoffs!
Honestly, I go out of my way to be nice to people. Sure, I can be a crass smurf-hole, but that's only once you get to know me. Other than that, I'm a very nice person.
Well let's start with this morning. I get off the train and see this young lady and proceed to pay her a compliment that she had piercingly beautiful eyes. She then proceeds to look like I was about to rape her and runs off in the wrong direction. (She was going to the train station.) She's lucky I didn't go "Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man" and take her eye out with a pen!
Next, I'm standing on the sidewalk waiting to cross the street. This chick (different one), comes from behind me and bumps into me. She comes next to me (still waiting to cross the street) and gives me this look like I was in her way. I tilt my head a little, not to be suggestive, and she give me this dirty look and the scoffs!
Honestly, I go out of my way to be nice to people. Sure, I can be a crass smurf-hole, but that's only once you get to know me. Other than that, I'm a very nice person.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Dicksonisms
A few years ago, I worked with one of the most interesting managers I've ever encountered. If you ever get a chance to meet him, you'll know immediately what I mean by "interesting." Anyway, after I posted my rants, he made a few rants of his own. I found them incredible hilarious! So, as he sends them to me, I will post them here. Enjoy.
31 July -Dear black men, if you're going to the club and know you're going to sweat your ass off, bring a towel. If you forget said towel and want to use bev naps, that is cool but do not take ALL of the bev naps. 3 or 4 will do.
3 August - Old white men, you can not describe things by referring to them as "the bomb". You ARE old and you are NOT cool now nor were you ever.
7 August - 40 Year old bimbo still trying to bar tend at a club, let it go. You were hot 20 years ago, do-able 10 years ago and almost mildly attractive 5 years ago. Now you are just sad. The club can't get dark enough to make you look good and your kids are you best regulars. Get a job opening PBRs at a VFW or hotel bar were men older than you will appreciate and drool over you. Of course they drool all the time but don't let that get you down.
11 August - White people, if you need a rope ladder or a B.A.S.E rig to get out of our vehicle, STOP. You're tires and lift kit are big enough.
If you park your $70,000 vehicle under the awning of your single wide trailer, it is time to reevaluate your priorities.
13 August- Every dorky white boy named Johnny. You are not on Entourage, you are not in an entourage, you don't have an entourage, you don't even know what an entourage is. Stop introducing yourself as Drama.
Dear trailer dwelling, meth cooking, big truck driving, nazi-ass, sister raping, red neck, asshole. Not every white man who shaves his head shares your opinions.
30 September - Dear skanks, If the 1st photo album on you social networking site is titled "the joys of my life" or any variation thereof and is filled with pictures of your children then you MUST take down the album titled "chill-axing wit da krew" where you are wearing next to nothing in almost every picture. Be a good mother or be a good skank. You can't be both.
14 October -
Dear fat girls,
Yes, I see that you have HUGE boobs. It makes sense. EVERYTHING on you is huge. If you didn't have huge boobs that we be a double slap in the face and I would have to assume that you lost a bet with god in your previous life. Here is the thing, your huge boobs are gross. No one wants to see them. Put on a shirt that isn't 6 sizes too small and cover those pale, veiny things up.
Thank you for your help in making the world a more beautiful place by covering up.
I have to go vomit now.
31 July -Dear black men, if you're going to the club and know you're going to sweat your ass off, bring a towel. If you forget said towel and want to use bev naps, that is cool but do not take ALL of the bev naps. 3 or 4 will do.
3 August - Old white men, you can not describe things by referring to them as "the bomb". You ARE old and you are NOT cool now nor were you ever.
7 August - 40 Year old bimbo still trying to bar tend at a club, let it go. You were hot 20 years ago, do-able 10 years ago and almost mildly attractive 5 years ago. Now you are just sad. The club can't get dark enough to make you look good and your kids are you best regulars. Get a job opening PBRs at a VFW or hotel bar were men older than you will appreciate and drool over you. Of course they drool all the time but don't let that get you down.
11 August - White people, if you need a rope ladder or a B.A.S.E rig to get out of our vehicle, STOP. You're tires and lift kit are big enough.
If you park your $70,000 vehicle under the awning of your single wide trailer, it is time to reevaluate your priorities.
13 August- Every dorky white boy named Johnny. You are not on Entourage, you are not in an entourage, you don't have an entourage, you don't even know what an entourage is. Stop introducing yourself as Drama.
Dear trailer dwelling, meth cooking, big truck driving, nazi-ass, sister raping, red neck, asshole. Not every white man who shaves his head shares your opinions.
30 September - Dear skanks, If the 1st photo album on you social networking site is titled "the joys of my life" or any variation thereof and is filled with pictures of your children then you MUST take down the album titled "chill-axing wit da krew" where you are wearing next to nothing in almost every picture. Be a good mother or be a good skank. You can't be both.
14 October -
Dear fat girls,
Yes, I see that you have HUGE boobs. It makes sense. EVERYTHING on you is huge. If you didn't have huge boobs that we be a double slap in the face and I would have to assume that you lost a bet with god in your previous life. Here is the thing, your huge boobs are gross. No one wants to see them. Put on a shirt that isn't 6 sizes too small and cover those pale, veiny things up.
Thank you for your help in making the world a more beautiful place by covering up.
I have to go vomit now.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
If I see one more blood orange, cranberry, or uber-beige white girl cross my path, I'm going to take my shoe off and beat her to death!!!
Dear older women, please stop wearing your granddaughters' outfit! Ancient implants, liver spots and varicose veins are NOT cute. Shoe!!!
Dear white women wearing halter tops, tan lines are NOT cute. That is all.
Dear black women, If I can tell you have a weave from a distance, You've done something wrong. Rethink that hot mess. That is all.
Dear grouchy old ppl, you've live a long life. Cheer the-hell up! If you don't want to be here, feel free to stop draining Social Security.
Dear heroin junkies that like to get their "lean" on, keep doing what you're doing. You provide endless fodder for those of us not hook on drugs. You're also used to teach our kids valuable lessons! Keep up the good work.
Dear college aged female who dress up to go to class, I'm all for looking your best in all situations, but hooker heels? Really?!?
Dear older blk ppl, the jheri curl is no longer acceptable. It is because of you that we have an oil shortage and gas prices are so high!!!
Dear ppl who honk or wave from a car as they see me walking down the street in the same direction as you and then keep on going, F@&! YOU!!!
Two "leaning" heroin addicts are fighting. Who wins??? The crackhead that just pushed them both over and robbed them!!! I love this city!!!
Dear older women, please stop wearing your granddaughters' outfit! Ancient implants, liver spots and varicose veins are NOT cute. Shoe!!!
Dear white women wearing halter tops, tan lines are NOT cute. That is all.
Dear black women, If I can tell you have a weave from a distance, You've done something wrong. Rethink that hot mess. That is all.
Dear grouchy old ppl, you've live a long life. Cheer the-hell up! If you don't want to be here, feel free to stop draining Social Security.
Dear heroin junkies that like to get their "lean" on, keep doing what you're doing. You provide endless fodder for those of us not hook on drugs. You're also used to teach our kids valuable lessons! Keep up the good work.
Dear college aged female who dress up to go to class, I'm all for looking your best in all situations, but hooker heels? Really?!?
Dear older blk ppl, the jheri curl is no longer acceptable. It is because of you that we have an oil shortage and gas prices are so high!!!
Dear ppl who honk or wave from a car as they see me walking down the street in the same direction as you and then keep on going, F@&! YOU!!!
Two "leaning" heroin addicts are fighting. Who wins??? The crackhead that just pushed them both over and robbed them!!! I love this city!!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
